Journal Two: Thoughts and Writing

This is My Hallelujah

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The truth is, I still find myself studying my own face in the mirror to see if its lines and curves could tell me who I am. And it is a sad thing, that often, instead of finding who I am there, I find everything I am not.

I can't seem to talk the way I write. When we are at arm's length and I can't escape behind my own eyes and my words are unrehearsed, I stumble and I fumble. Sometimes, I say too much out of fear of saying too little, as if empty words are better than silence.

Sometimes, I measure my worth against the woman I wish I could be. And I feel mocked by my own reflection. I catch myself walking downtown with my arms sheltering my body tightly wrapped around it. And I still have to remind myself of the promise I made to try to stop hiding.

There are days, I forget who I am. My own name gets lost in the noise of my insecurities, taunting fears, and rejection that has relentlessly tried to tear down the statue of my identity.

Today, I woke up feeling the weight of my own humanness, my own bareness.

Today, I whispered to my own heart, "I will not lose you".

Today, I told Jesus that I need Him.

Today, I said sorry to Jesus for forgetting that I need Him.

Today, hope filled every crevice that held disappointment, once again.

Today, I remembered that because I have known deep pain, I now know deep joy, and it is not lost.

My emotions are fickle, and I won't let them own me. But I am thankful for the days I feel everything I don't want to feel. I think pain can sometimes be a map to this heart that exists and beats with a longing to be whole. Truly whole. And that longing, every time, brings me back to embrace. The embrace of the safest arms I could ever call home and carry my wounded spirit to. Jesus is the most beautiful thing I have ever fallen in love with. In the confusion and loudness and uncertainty the day brings, the only thing I can fully make sense of, is that my life would not make sense without Jesus. Blessed assurance is my backbone, and I know to the core of who I am that, "I need you",  is the truest hallelujah I will ever sing. 

- S

sarah kierstead